I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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