someone threw a dead crab at me
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the condom got lost in my hair
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
