the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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