I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
