I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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