I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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