She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You dont lie about slip and slides
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
