the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
