The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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