i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
