I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
