im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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