Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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