Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
