Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
