so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
