i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
