i need an iv and a liver transplant
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
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