he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize