can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
