her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
