Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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