I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
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