I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
