I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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