she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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