my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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