I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
