recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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