I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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