It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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