Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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