I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Ketchup is God's man juice
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize