So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
