I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
