so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize