You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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