Please, let me fuck your mom
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
