well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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