It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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