I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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