every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize