oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
zippers are such a cool invention
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i drank out of a bidet.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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