He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
