Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
