mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
