I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
smell my finger.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize