We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
