At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
