We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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