sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
