I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize