You smell like stripper and shame
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
