I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
