You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
