worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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