sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
