I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
