girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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