Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
