this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
