So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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