i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize