I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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