i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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