can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
