my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
